Wednesday, 25 May 2016

"Is it a call to arms?"

"Is it a call to arms?"

At first, this person is ought to say that it took months to create a somewhat good work. Despite woody English, it took a series of observations, readings, writings, re-readings, re-writings, paraphrasing this and that from various sources enough to serve as basis for a story.

Be it "Full Quarter Storms", "Not on our Reach", to "The Turner Diaries" and KD Rebel", sorry to say but these examples of "political literature", especially those really controversial in nature had brought yours truly to create a story that tries to revisit the partisan, the propagandist, the urban guerilla, the struggle, the revolution all pointing against a rotten social order desperately trying to be relevant.
Sorry to say if those works are deemed controversial. These are being banned if not undergone scrutiny by the system given its nature. "The Turner Diaries" for instance, has been known for being one of the "bibles" of the radical right if not the basis for Timothy McVeigh's bombing.

But, prior all to these, this person had toyed the idea of writing a story in a manner of Jack London, Andrew MacDonald, Eduard Limonov, or Ed Villegas with all their thoughts and perhaps experiences be written over in a form of a fiction.

And like Lu Xun (whom this person also served as his character reference), when this writer's young, he had many dreams that most of which are less to be remembered so are the experiences in life.
In case of experiences, if trying to recall, most are rather brings loneliness thinking that some, if not most of those times be like facing anger, insult as a person being bullied and trying to defend himself as such. In fact, those times are trying to be forgotten, but despite trying to be "less remembered", this person has having trouble on how he can't get over completely, in a way people tries to move on yet it can't.

And by the way, this is more than a rambling, but also a revisit of some of his life prior to making a story.

For years, this person hath frequently visited were the libraries and the coffeeshops. The library did provide personal solace since he fist stepped at school, to compliment his loneliness knowing that he used to be bullied by his classmates, and perhaps to enjoy various books particularly those of history, sciences, and the arts.
However, he latter seemed to leave some good and bad memories, especially those of breaded porkchops and meeting girls who happened to be having internships being Hotel and Restaurant Management students in a college owned by an offshoot of the Augustinian order.
At one time to remember, this person did have a first time to "love", for had a girl whom he admired with, however, despite having close friendships with that girl, the latter chose not to have a relationship; this person rather respected her decision knowing that there is nothing wrong in having a close friendship with that girl, who happened to be of a Japanese blood. Instead, he had a relationship with one of her friends, quite nice at start but it end worse due to arguments be it commitment or those of money, with the latter, which was quite a serious issue for a person who earns from one's work, became a factor to end that goddamn "relationship" knowing "of what use of having that relationship if that girl if she can't even help her man and worse, borrowing money to spend for worthless nonsense?"
That "relationship", which was started on the 2:00 P.M of September 11, ended at 6:30 PM of December 11, and perhaps made this person think that those times be like if friendship been made out of trust, and with those events that made that trust broken and failed to mend, is she or perhaps this person made a mistake?  The other may chose to disregard as if nothing happened (as opposed to move on) but as for this person, perhaps at least it brought lessons such as "there are those who deserve a semblance of trust and those who cannot", and "that not all beautiful maidens are beautiful despite its appearances".

But anyways, despite all that bullshits, that coffeeshop, known as "Captain's Galley", or its owner, the Recollects whom also controlled the college, provided this writer an idea: If student demonstrations and its ringleaders came from state universities and to some extent, catholic or non-sectarian schools with moderate or even radical tendencies, then how about a conservative one that often toys the idea of change?
And if student demonstrators mainly coming from the masses to the lower middle classes, then does it mean those who obviously can't engage in those revolutionary acts, of those who spent time escaping can't become a revolutionary?
That idea kept on brewing on yours truly's mind, and perhaps with the days seeing girls at that place, also brought the idea of having a female "revolutionary" coming from a center-right institution that sometimes disregards social affairs in favour of "car shows" at the school's quadrangle and its youths rather engaging in sorts of escapism such as its nearby pub like GdM or having Billiard sorties at Roma Billards.

Ironically, that college is also situated near the road where protesters passed by until they assembled at the intersection of two major thoroughfares of the city. That place, also known for an incident happened decades ago somehow made this person thinks how come that college chose not to be relevant in the issues of its own surroundings except being known for its mediaeval church and its collegiate Gothic school buildings being cornered by urban blight. They do trying to be relevant in some issues, but usually, they care less about it, and to some extent, there was a student who even abhor "student power" as shown by schools like the premier state university in favour of his own brand of "voluntarism" that has less to do with social issues and more of campus-only impression.

Sorry to say those thoughts that hath been brewing over, but to think that those observations, those experiences, somehow made this person thinks that as repression and disenfranchisement continues lies further radicalisation amidst the establishment's attempts to undermine it, be it diverting the attention from politics to showbusiness, of having markets intervene political affairs in the name of keeping interests, patriotism these past few days has been treating a facade the way personalities with beauteous appearances been treated as opiums for the desperate.

And like Lu Xun, this person believe that as time goes by, the idea of having those who sink from prosperity to poverty will probably come as empires rise and fall, through a process, to understand what the world is really like. This person had visited the financial district, so's the shantytown, he have visited the office where his mother worked, so's the factory at downtown; he have sought life at the state university, so's the private ones particularly those whose campus culture has less to do with reality and more of petty fantasy.
And those times be like perhaps because he was in search of a change of scene and faces. He have met an activist in the protest rally, he have met a party girl during a drinking spree at GdM, and those memories be deemed remarkable, or even trying to be forgotten through work such as this, writing.

Speaking of writing, there was a time that "in order to study history and enjoy writing, Journalism is a fitting course." Sounds believable isn't it? Especially that to a man who loves to read history since childhood, Journalism has made yours truly further engage in writing that's based on the daily acts of the present. There were even subjects that hath to undergone be it "introduction to mass media", "mass media theory", "opinion writing", "news writing", "feature writing", to those of "public relations" and "advertising management."
But, since Journalism is also a social science, there is nothing wrong in studying other courses like political science, and in fact, some works rather smacks of political science than journalism especially having engaged in opinion writing as better than other subjects this person hath passed through those four years in college. After all, he once dreamed a beautiful dream that after journalism would end studying creative writing, or even law as his father wanted for him, or if war broke out he would serve as a correspondent, that somehow expresses faith in continuing his country's reformation through writing.

But then it changed as time goes by, some would say it was because of activism and radical politics that made he diverted from his initial ambitions. But no! His interest in the latter two had been started since freshman year as his choice the way he chose Journalism for a course and a career, and it had been cultivated it the way his classmates chose to enjoy escaping "just to enjoy life".  Journalism may have helped a lot in understanding politics and social realities the way this person took interest in arts be it visual in case of painting and sketching, or written in case of poetry and some rambling. He even worked for few months in a paper, yet he end diverting his attention to making political works instead.
Sorry if his views smacks of "politics in command" that even affects his craft, and it is not because of his activism in college. If his classmates had afforded to enter their cherished professions very well, so is this person who chose to babble anything that is "culturally political" in this post the way theirs enjoying their interests in the media scene. In fact, the idea of having citizen journalism seemed good, of creating an alternative media that serves the interest of the working people be it the worker, peasant, even the student who seeks an outlet to express grievances such as campus repression and yearly increase in tuition fees. Quite nice though to turn media into an arm of expression as at one time he worked at a weekly paper that he end rather not renewing it, or even took part in a multimedia collective that also end disbanded since it wasn't been seriously pursued as most focused on "other important activities."
Such events, sadly to say, made this person began to feel lonely. And that feeling of loneliness grew day by day, trying to be tempered with a smile especially when he faced his friends as possible. Yet in spite of his unaccountable sadness, he felt no indignation; for this experience had made him reflect and see that he's not definitely the "heroic type" who could rally multitudes at his call.

However, despite the feeling that tries to coil this person's mind, it has to be dispelled knowing that that it aggravates his personal agony. Sometimes, he had to express his mind by venting it through sketching in his sketchbook, doodling in his notepad, writing poetry, or even watching a movie. But then, as he experienced or witnessed even greater loneliness and sadness, most of which preferring not to recall, for most rather had almost lost the enthusiasm and fervour of his youth. After all, why should recall that made he depressed such as that goddamn "relationship" that turned into a waste of time? Or even days arguing with his parents over issues?
Such nonsense, although it adds fire in some works, does not entirely translate to words if too much till emotions prevailed over thoughts that meant to be typed or written. True that this person be inspired or driven by the past besides those of existing realities to create works that perhaps enough to invoke an ideal if not to express a view.

At one time, when his person meets a "pretty but witty" friend of his, that girl wanted to tackle social affairs that his admirers may find it strange knowing that she is pretty and fit for just girl talk. In one of her statements, she stated that she has a "god given instinct to get involved" in social affairs rather than settling down enjoying her red stilettos and drinking Starbucks Coffee. And she justifies choosing that hard life "as she carries the curse and the responsibility of that instinct."

"It boils and fires up in my blood." She added. Justifying further her statement, and perhaps further provides this person an idea on a girl preferring to take arms against the system despite her privileged backgrounds and a pampered lifestyle. And her name? Also basis for that "pretty, witty, armed, dangerous, and loved" character.

Sorry if this person has to include that part in his ramblings, perhaps he seemed to be inspired these past few months. Those times be like more poems and sketches to make, a reblossoming of one's interest in art knowing that the one whom he met loves art (and history) so much, but again, what amazed from this person was her wit that tempers her beauty as a person (far from the usual as this person observed). As she, and perhaps this person affirms that it is a "god given instinct to get involve in reality", it is true enough to say that with that instinct to be aware pave its way in asserting change, that to an extent of having one's life be offered as a sacrifice to a sacred flame of struggle.

But in spite of this person's own convictions and duties to put faith into, he could not blot out hope further, for hope lies in the future, especially in a generation whose paths be multiple and confusing. In a generation of those conforming, there are those who rather choosing a road less traveled, such as a road to deviance.
And like Lu Xun, as he have not entirely forgotten the grief of his past loneliness, shortcomings, and the bullshits he have encountered or even he be involved as such; but having those experiences and its lessons be enough to temper one's personality as this continuing past made everyone be in a state of remolding, and that remolding perhaps made everyone trying to be "better" both for themselves and for the society that has to be changed as well.

Having inspired by a person or having compelled by what he sought and read, this person is ought to say that he can't stop writing, sketching, painting, anything as part of one's remolding. And to use Lu Xun, this person shared his expression as he said:

"I have not entirely forgotten the grief of my past loneliness. I sometimes call out, to encourage those fighters who are galloping on in loneliness, so that they do not lose heart. Whether my cry is brave or sad, repellent or ridiculous, I do not care. However, since it is a call to arms, I must naturally obey my general's orders. This is why I often resort to innuendoes..." 

Anyways, there are no further words to say, but as time comes, such works be enough as a "call to arms."

That's all.