The Politics of Forgiveness:
When Reconciliation Becomes Manipulation
By Lualhati Madlangawa Guererro
Forgiveness is often seen as a noble act—an essential step toward reconciliation and healing. It carries a powerful emotional and moral weight, ideally leading to peace, closure, and the mending of relationships, whether personal, communal, or even national. But forgiveness is not a concept that stands alone; it is inextricably tied to the broader social, cultural, and political contexts in which it is practiced. In many cases, forgiveness has been distorted and weaponized, used not to heal but to maintain power and subjugation.
The Subtlety of Manipulation
When forgiveness becomes a tool of manipulation, it strays from its original intent. Instead of facilitating mutual understanding and justice, it is used to reinforce hierarchies and enforce submission. This can happen when one party demands forgiveness without taking accountability for their actions. They may pressure their victim to "forgive and forget" under the guise of tradition, religion, or custom, framing their wrongdoing as part of a necessary order. What emerges is a toxic cycle where forgiveness is less about healing and more about reinforcing the dominance of one group over another.
This manipulation is often masked under the pretense of tradition or faith. Cultural norms and religious tenets are invoked to justify forgiveness without change. The expectation is that the wronged party will forgive, even at the cost of their dignity and agency. What should be an equalizing process is instead co-opted into one of humiliation.
The Bastardization of Tradition and Faith
in interpreting forgiveness and reconciliation
in interpreting forgiveness and reconciliation
At the heart of this problem is the bastardization of tradition and faith. Across many societies, forgiveness is a deeply rooted concept, woven into the moral fabric. Faiths preach the importance of forgiveness for personal and spiritual growth. Traditions teach the importance of community harmony, often recommending forgiveness as a way to preserve social ties.
But when tradition and faith are distorted, they lose their essence. They become convenient shields for those who exploit them to retain power and perpetuate injustice. Instead of promoting healing and reconciliation, these misused ideals become tools of control. This is especially true when one party uses forgiveness to avoid accountability or to downplay the gravity of their actions, insisting that forgiveness is their right without offering true repentance or restitution.
A clear example of this misuse can be found in how certain scriptures are selectively quoted to justify toxic behavior. For instance, the commandment to "honor your father and mother" is frequently cited to enforce blind obedience in family dynamics. However, when examined in its entirety, the scripture offers a more balanced view. Ephesians 6:2-4 says, "Honor your father and mother—which is the first commandment with a promise—so that it may go well with you and that you may enjoy long life on the earth. Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord."
This passage shows that while children are instructed to honor their parents, parents are also called to raise their children with care and wisdom, avoiding actions that provoke or harm them. The scripture, therefore, emphasizes a mutual responsibility rather than a one-sided demand for respect. Yet, when the focus is placed solely on the first part of the commandment, it is often weaponized to justify abusive or authoritarian behavior, pressuring children into submission while excusing parents from accountability.
This selective interpretation distorts the message of faith, turning it into a tool for control rather than a guide for nurturing respectful, loving relationships. Mutuality, fairness, and justice—the core principles that should guide forgiveness and family relations—are sacrificed in favor of perpetuating an imbalance of power.
The Blurred Boundaries of Justice
The key to genuine forgiveness lies in justice. Without fairness and accountability, forgiveness becomes empty and hollow. It is not enough to ask for forgiveness; there must be a reckoning with the wrongs committed. Justice serves as the balancing force that ensures forgiveness is meaningful rather than coercive.
Yet, in many situations, justice is sacrificed for the sake of superficial peace. Societies, governments, and individuals may push for quick resolutions without addressing the underlying issues. They may urge victims to forgive, to move on, in order to avoid the discomfort of confronting past injustices. In these cases, the line between justice and submission becomes blurred, and the victim is forced into a false reconciliation—one where their grievances are never fully acknowledged or addressed.
True reconciliation requires a balance of power. Forgiveness must be offered voluntarily, not under coercion or manipulation. And it must be coupled with genuine efforts to rectify wrongs and address the structures that enabled them. Only then can forgiveness lead to the kind of healing and justice that traditions and faith originally intended.
Reclaiming Forgiveness
In order to reclaim forgiveness as a tool of healing rather than subjugation, we must be willing to re-examine how it is invoked and practiced. Societies need to challenge the ways in which tradition and faith are used to manipulate individuals into accepting injustice. We must ask: What are the power dynamics at play? Who benefits from this forgiveness, and at whose expense?
A truly meaningful approach to forgiveness involves reasserting the values of mutual respect, fairness, and justice. Forgiveness is not a demand one can make; it is a gift offered by those who have been wronged, contingent upon genuine efforts to make amends. It is an act of strength, not submission, when done on equal terms.
Faith and tradition, when interpreted properly, support this. They call for forgiveness not as a way to dismiss wrongs but as a means of facilitating change and growth. By returning to these core principles, we can rescue forgiveness from the clutches of manipulation and restore its place as a transformative force.
Conclusion: The need for an Authentic Reconciliation
To speak forgiveness is to promote reconciliation, but it must be done in truth. The toxicity of those who weaponize forgiveness for their own gain distorts the very foundation of what it means to heal. As we navigate through complex traditions, customs, and beliefs, we must remain vigilant in our pursuit of mutuality and justice.
Forgiveness, when practiced authentically, offers the promise of repair and renewal. But when twisted, it becomes a tool of control, further blurring the lines between healing and subjugation. Only by recognizing and confronting these distortions can we truly reclaim the power of forgiveness and ensure that it remains a path toward justice, not humiliation.